🔎 I found something
Exploring the space between mind and reality
A quick glance at the phone. ‘Almost time to head back home and make dinner. Those days at the beach just pass by in a blink. Too bad. What shall I cook tonight? I have to check what I have in the fridge. But probably not much. My roommate tends to just eat whatever he finds. I should mark my things in the future. Well damn, I guess then I need to go to the supermarket before cooking. It’s super busy towards the evening. Gonna be a pain. Fuck. Should have thought about that earlier. Ordering? I really didn’t want to spend so much money this month on …. wait, is this woman smiling at me?’
Lost in thought, my eyes wandering, I caught a glimpse. ‘Let me look again…. Yeah, she is definitely smiling at me. Mh… maybe she finds me attractive..…maybe it’s a flirty smile? She is not really my age though. Or is she amused? Am I looking funny? Did I put my shirt on wrong side round after I dried myself?’ Quick glance downward. ‘Nope, all good. Good job. Did I do something funny? I can't remember but don't think so. Okay, let me check if she is still looking.’ Careful glance up. ‘Dammit woman, why are you still smiling at me?’ “Mama! Look, I found something!” A child runs past me that must have been playing in the sand behind me. Straight…..to the…..woman….. ‘God dammit I am such an idiot. Why did I think she was smiling at me? Obviously she was just looking at her kid.’
Fully absorbed into the narrative of my mind. I was trying so hard to grasp reality. Model it. Predict it. Make sense of it. Taking in all data I had at hand to create the best possible prediction. Like a natural super-computer. But I wasn’t thinking in models or about predictions. I am a human. Thoughts naturally arose to make sense of the world that changed around me. It felt like I was thinking, but actually, my mind was entertaining me. It created plausible narratives that I followed eagerly along with my attention. Committed to them in my mind as truth. Emotions arising with each thought.
First confidence, then shyness. That turned into confusion, frustration, anger, and suddenly: embarrassment. What a rollercoaster. None of the feelings were under my control. They just arose like the soundtrack to a first-person movie I was experiencing. Sitting in the front row of a cinema and getting blasted with all their might.
How such a simple expression like a smile can be interpreted in so many ways. It shows me that not all that is logical is true. Surprisingly, most of the things that are plausible are false. In a world that is focused on truth and productivity, we sense-making machines are being primed to always construct reality. In every new situation the simulation runs in our mind. Taking in past and current data to create a coherent world.
There is a lot of merit to it. We have created a somewhat safe civilisation that we try to continuously improve. Our minds have elevated us from the uncertain animal kingdom. Being exposed to uncountable risks before, we are able to live mostly comfortable lives now. Our minds being the multi-purpose tool that made all of it possible. We just needed to be discontent with the status quo. We just needed to continue predicting. We just need to always work to create a happier and safer life.
But in that moment, catching a sliver of a smile, where did the discontent super-computer take me? It created a movie. One that was entertaining. But an unhappy one.
I have a lot of friends that tell me that their minds are always thinking. Always working. Ta-ta-ta-ta. Like a machine gun trying to shoot all targets at once. “I am just like that”. “For me that is normal”. What they don’t realise is that it’s not that they are special. But that it is the natural state most minds are in. Discontent constructing the world.
But what is the antidote? Shall we not think? Should we stop using this mighty power of ours to construct and destroy worlds? “Even if I wanted to give up on me thinking constantly about everything, I wouldn’t want to. It wouldn’t be me. Plus, I would be unproductive. I can’t just sit around and not think about anything. I am barely handling my life as it is.”
We are so caught up in our narratives that we don’t see how they make us unnecessarily miserable at times. And even just the idea of having the option to turn it off for a second seems like a break from one’s personality. I am the voice in my mind and the voice is me.
But there is a different reality. We all know it. We just need to look into the past. A fond memory that we would love to go back to. A holiday watching a sunset on the Mediterranean Sea. Or sitting on the most beautiful beach somewhere in South America. We wish those moments back. We remember the sights, sounds and smells. How beautiful the world was. Without a worry in the world.
One doesn't remember the constant thoughts experienced in those moments. They are not part of our nice memories. In reality, we often weren't appreciating what was happening as much as we are made to believe. Because often we were lost in thought.
Perception sticks to memory. Narration doesn't. Resulting in a blissful narration-free view of the past. While being unable to appreciate the now in a similar manner. How would it be to experience the now like you experience a nice memory. Thoughtless.
Seeing any situation like that when we want is a superpower. Because if we are honest with ourselves, any moment has the potential to be full of beauty. If we just look at it unincumbered. Looking at it for what it is rather than for what it seems. Looking at it without the super-computer dictating reality.
It comes down to being sensitive towards our own thoughts and preconceptions. Being sensitive towards the narratives that are running in our heads. Through learning to be present we become less involved with ourselves. The mind calms. Cause when the constant agitation subsides what remains is contentment.
A place where empathy turns from an aspiration into an inclination. Truly listening to someone without having everything run through a “me” filter beforehand becomes natural. Space opens for truly feeling their emotions as one's own. That is empathy.
And by becoming present, by turning off the models in our minds, we enter the endless now. Any situation is suddenly perceived as vastly more intricate than any model could predict. Reality with its infinite precision finally arrives as it truly is. Unfiltered. Fueling a realisation that even the most ordinary things are of extraordinary complexity and beauty. Feelings of slight melancholy not for the past but for the present arise. Knowing that this moment as it is right now will never exist again. But happy to be able to experience it in all its uniqueness once. Awe-inspiring.
Stop. Rewind. Play.
A quick glance at the phone. ‘Almost time to head back home and make dinner’. I let my eyes wander over the beautiful sight that is the ocean in front of me. And suddenly, I catch a glimpse of a woman smiling at me. How nice. Contagious. Now I need to smile as well. Well, I guess why not. There is a lot to smile about on this sunny day.’ “Mama! Look! I found something!” A child runs past me that was playing behind me in the sand.
‘I guess we both did’ I think to myself. Still smiling.